Sunday, December 1, 2013

The Change Gratitude Makes

Changing your perspective may be easier than you think.

It actually only takes saying thank you to another person, yourself, or God.

Here's how it works: When you decide to be thankful, instead of worried, it stops the drip of CRH (I call it Critical Ruminating Hormone because it makes you worry.) That stops the adrenals from secreting ACTH which is your depression hormone. (I call this one Actually Creating Threat Hormone because it makes everything look black. It makes everything seem bad or threatening.)

The easiest way to stop this physical-emotional trend is gratitude. Scripture calls giving thanks when it is hard, the "sacrifice of praise" or giving thanks when you feel the opposite.

Are you thinking that's dishonest? or phony? Not if you are doing it with the desire to change. If you know you don't like how you are feeling and thinking, just choose to give God thanks no matter how you feel, and watch to see what happens. God loves to act for us, loves to move into miracle mode because of our faith. It is our faith in His goodness that gives Him the right to act on our behalf and blow away the schemes of His enemies (yours too by the way).

And faith doesn't have to be a foundation you've laid, it can be a risk you are taking. It can be a divine experiment if you aren't sure God is there or that He cares. Go ahead and ask him to show you how much He cares about you.

And when you see it, believe it, don't pass it off as coincidence. It's your answer for reaching out to Him.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Becoming Real can Be Messy

I hate messy!

So why am I a therapist?

That's different. I'm good at professionally helping people find themselves and fix their issues.

But I don't like it when my kids are messy, or my friends are messy. They don't come to me asking for help. They don't show me their vulnerability. They want me to think they have it all together. Shoot, they don't even know they have issues! Don't even know they live in hell.

And yet I'm called to love them.


Do I have to just trust them? Like what I can like and love the rest?


I can't even tell them what I see?

No? Not unless they ask?

God this is too hard!

This is what You do? Really?

I can't do this. I don't want to.

"That is exactly why you have to let me do it for you...and I can...if you let me."

But I don't want to.

"But you can choose, and I will do the rest."

I can't be God in their lives?

"No, you can't, because you can't. You just can't. It makes you uptight and stressed. And it sounds judgmental coming from you--unless you don't know you are speaking for Me."

I don't get that. I don't know how to love like that.

"You just need to help them see Me by making them feel valued. Choose value. I'll do the rest."

Monday, July 29, 2013

Guest Post -- "Inviting" -- I call it Becoming Truly You

"you are my home"

I wonder if maybe I misunderstood. I ask what it means. And You dismantle me with Your words.

"I feel wanted, welcome, comfortable. I feel loved, desired in you. You invite Me into your moments, your feelings. You choose Me."

And then in a Whisper that seems to crash through the Heavens. That ravages the heart You've made whole. You say it.

"you're inviting"

It's as if You've just flung the stars from the sky in some cosmic display just for me. Just for me.

It is all I want to be. The only words that could ever be spoken of me that matter.

And You said them.

The tears spill wild. The heart swept up by Love so big it rages through me in torrents of Grace.

I am Yours. And You have found me "inviting".

And suddenly the list of things I could do in my life is complete.

The one thing I have to give You. The one thing I can truly choose.

Is You.

We do this thing. This asking You into our lives. We make it a big deal.

It is a big deal.

But the biggest thing. The only thing. Is what we do afterward.

You can't ask someone to marry you and then tell them to please stay in their own house. Don't move anything in here. And please don't try to love me 'cause I'm busy just trying to stay numb. I don't really let anyone get close. I'm too much, too messy, and just completely not enough.

You can't ask someone into your home and then tell them not to sit on the furniture. Oh, and please don't touch anything. Or move anything. Or, really, don't even breathe. 'Cause I've got this all set up here the way I need it. The way it makes me feel secure. I might even hate the way it's decorated but please don't change anything 'cause I've got it all set up to work for me this way. I don't want to take down any walls or let more light in. And don't open the shades, someone might see how I really live in here.

I did that. You know I did that with You. Sadly, I think we all do.

And You lived with me so long that way. Sometimes You'd move a chair. Or change a picture on the wall. But I just couldn't let You renovate completely. You wanted to remodel and I'd say, "ok, we'll paint but just don't take down that wall."

One day I got it. I really got it.

And the windows blew out and the air drafted in and the fire blazed. And I stood there hands open letting it all go.

We picked up the pieces. Crawled through the ashes. And You, You scraped the wounds. You touched my scars and deemed them Beautiful.

I'm laying here the rivers flowing down the familiar trails. They follow the grooves of years of broken dreams, a broken heart desperate to be Whole. Now, they flow from a fountain of Love so deep I can't contain them.

I get it. I really get it.

All I have to give You is my choice. Choosing You. 

Choosing You over everything.

Even my comfort. 


Every. single. thing.

Reckless abandon to Your Love. Your will. Your heart.

Hands open, heart surrendered. Living as an audacious offering of Your Love.

Whatever that means in the story You are writing across my pages.

Because You are Love and You only give Good. 

And I am as desperate for You as I am to breathe.

When the moment arcs and I feel the arrows pierce and doubts come I cling only to You and hold on for dear life. And You never let go.

Because anywhere with You is everywhere.


It is everything.

Mine is You.

After all, there is only You.

pause the music player at the bottom of the page

Posted By Loxlia to lovelycrumbs at 6/22/2013 08:31:00 PM

Friday, June 28, 2013

Does God Call You Out? Part 2

I don't want to change this blog this month. The one posted is too good, too complete, so well said and so true. It sums up the essence of being you--finding your authentic s,elf.

It's my daughter's words to her little boys. I just read it again, and thought how does she do it? It just pours out of her like that.

Perhaps she is so full of it because of the pain she has just gone through--is still going through. She has chosen to embrace it and it has developed her. The heaviness, and dullness is mostly gone. There is new energy, new light in her eyes, new wisdom. The wisdom one only gains by going through your sadness, embracing the pain, hanging on tight to the belief that God is here and cares desperately for you.

Does God call you out of a marriage, a partnership, a relationship, a business? Certainly, out of a business, partnership, or a community that is hurting you, but a marriage?

I wasn't so sure in the beginning, even though I believed God released me from my first marriage. (I wouldn't have said I was called out of it.) But I trusted her and her relationship with God, and the more I have watched and listened, I am convinced that sometimes He does.

She married to complete her, to assuage her fear of not being enough, interpreted from a father who left. The wrong reason to marry. She needed something to do, something she could control--creating a perfect life and home with someone who was willing seemed like a noble project.

Except as the years went by, he became angrier and angrier. She couldn't figure out why. Even he couldn't figure it out. But one day when I was visiting, she asked me what I saw. And as I thought about it, the behavior seemed to fit an attempt to separate a self from a parent. Only the parent was her!

Now it makes so much sense. Their life wasn't his idea, his dream, or his passion. Most of the time he wasn't even there--escaping into video games etc. or work.

In the beginning, he was happy enough to go along for the ride. He knew she was smart and good. And capable at most everything she tried. But year after year, he felt less himself, more disenfranchised.

The more he worked to find himself, the angrier he became that he had to fit her mold--couldn't be him--whatever that was. He'd never been allowed, or maybe wasn't interested enough, to fight for himself. As he gained more self, he felt more trapped, less accepted, and couldn't put words to it.

Then a new stressor entered. Their youngest son almost choked to death, and two weeks later had a seizure that was diagnosed as Breath Holding Spell. (I believe it was the body's reaction to the trauma of choking.) The stress and tension multiplied exponentially, magnifying every flaw in both of them.

She saw it then. She had become his mother. She had felt it and fought it, but not really accepted it.

She pleaded with him to grow, to fight for them and himself, but it only made him feel less accepted.
Meanwhile she faced a lie she found in her, that she wasn't worth fighting for. Upon her request God healed it, and from there things rapidly changed.

Finally one night she said she couldn't live with him being there but not there, and would he fight to find himself? and the answer was no. He would find another place to live.

She was crushed and cried all night, and in the morning decided to accept it. She couldn't change him and he didn't want to. She wouldn't hold him any longer.

It, of course, didn't end that simply or easily. Over another month their was back and forth, he was going to change, but hit the wall again that he was doing it for her, and she just watched, open to it, but not believing it would last. It didn't, and finally they separated.

Thank God they are doing well sharing the kids, who seem to be doing better themselves. There parents have gotten through the "angerism" of divorce (Called that because it is so crazy and dramatic.) with seemingly little fall-out to the children. They were my main concern.

On a good day, she has no regrets for any of it. The mistakes, the lessons learned, the suffering. It's all part of the whole picture that has brought her into discovering her true self and a sweet and powerful intimacy with God, she probably couldn't have gained without it.

Predictably, her path is very similar to my own, but she has surpassed me in the tender relationship she has found with God. I have been happy with my own, but hers sometimes makes me jealous! I want to trust Him like that! It is sweet to behold, especially for a parent.

So yes, I guess sometimes God does call you out, when it's healthier for everyone. As I responded to a friend of mine who quoted scripture to me when I was getting divorced, "Yes, God hates divorce, but there are a lot of things he hates worse." And losing you or Him is much worse.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

A Challenging Description of (prescription for) being your True Self

You. You grew deep within me. A seed of Grace planted right into my Life.

The very existence of you is simply ridiculous Grace.

He creates only Good. You are Good.

You were born into a battle. We all are. This story is not about us. It's about Him.

And there is an enemy that will stop at nothing to keep you swirling in lies. To kill your heart. To paralyze you. To steal your Life.

He will tell you you're not enough. He will tell you you're not Lovable. That you have to just get by and make it happen. That you're on your own. That you're weak. That you just have to numb your heart and settle for less. The enemy is a liar.

The arrows will fly straight into the weak places of your heart. Piercing with a vengeance.

But they are not your Truth. Only He is.

You are Loved. Wildly. Recklessly. Relentlessly.

Never. forget. it.

You were created as an expression of Who He is. Love.

You are Love.


You will be men. Warriors after His Heart.

Never. forget. it.

You were made to fight. To offer your strength. To open wide and stand for Him.

Your Life is a calling to War. To Adventure. To Joy. To Love. 

Live it. Really Live it.

He is your Strength.

There is no battle you cannot fight in His name. No place He leads you cannot go.
This life will batter your heart. Everything and everyone trying to steal your strength.

But they can never take what He holds.

Listen to the heart beating in your chest. Protect it. Fight for it.

Your heart will always long for more. He made it that way. Seek Him and you will find you.

You're His.

Remember who you are. Be you.

Be His.

You can fill your ache with temporary happiness. This world will offer you that at every turn. You can live a life between the guard-rails. You can tell yourself it's enough. You can silence the Desire for more. And your life will slip away. You may wake up one day and realize you haven't really lived. You might not even notice. 

You have that choice. He gave you that. Love is not love without choice.

Love. Live. Choose Him.

Take the risk.

I promise you will never regret it.

You are His. He will always pursue you will a Relentless Love.

The breeze will touch your face with His Hand. The sun will warm your Heart. The stars will Whisper His Love. Notice it. Feel it.

He will Whisper Life to your heart.

Listen. Live the Adventure.

You are His. You are more.

Find your strength in Him. There is no other source other than His heart.

Men are drowning in this world. Being suffocated under the weight of their weakness. Their wounds stealing away the Life He gives. Never finding their Adventure. Or letting their fears be bigger than their faith. Dying without ever living. Losing their Life in the swirl of lies. In passivity

I pray you'll fight. That you'll be men after His Heart.

Men unmovable in His Love. Real men. 

Men desperate for more of Him.

Each one of you has a story to Live. A promise to bring to the world. You are a Whisper of Who He is. 

There is only one you.

Be the man you are. His man.

No matter what it takes. The battle is worth it. Fight with everything you have. And then let Him give you more.

He gives only Good Gifts. Only Grace.

Let your heart Breathe.

Live your story.

Be you. 


Posted By Loxlia to lovelycrumbs at 5/29/2013 10:35:00 AM

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Watching Your Kids Suffer--the Hardest Part of Parenting

If you're a mother, you know how hard it is to watch your children suffer--to support them without directives, platitudes or judgment. But the worst is to watch and not bail them out--knowing that they need their suffering--it's how they learn and grow.

As a therapist, I am used to watching people suffer. Thank God, I know how important it is, how people need their pain, how they don't need platitudes or bailing out.

Thank God, also, that I have been over this road, have spent my own time in similar pain. And even, thank God, I don't have the finances to bail my daughter out. Because it would be so much harder not to, if I could.

But then she would miss the lesson of dependence on God, the miracles He has worked, the experience of His faithfulness in caring for her because she trusts. And yes, swallows her pride and does the hard work of asking for help.

Help that she feels horrible asking for, but I don't, because when I asked I was denied.

I had a college degree. Never mind that I had a toddler I was determined to stay home with. And I did. We scrimped, no coffees, no eating out, no prepared food, no manicures and pedicures. There were a lot of things we went without. But it was one of the happiest times of my life (after getting over the loss and failure.)

We lived in God's smile of approval. I doubt she was conscious of it, but I was. And she is now.

I still can hardly believe that she is going over the same ground I did.

I shouldn't be surprised I see it all the time--generations repeating what the generation before did.
But I didn't think that would be her. She had such a good head on her shoulders.

It's the emotions that get us--and not knowing ourselves.

She finally realized that her husband's anger came from letting her define him. Sadly she had mothered him. She faced it, painful though it was, and felt better.

Going through the pain of her father's "abandonment" and all the lies built around it has been hard but very healing. Thank God again. This time that I have learned some tools and skills to facilitate healing.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Guest Post: Facing Yourself Part 1 Asking for Help

there is no moment of weakness that isn't wrapped in His strength

I'm standing in a line. Seemingly unending faces stretched out ahead of me.

Clinging to folders that contain my life. My details.

The ground seems to tremble beneath my feet as though, in my weakness, it may swallow me up.

I'm fighting the tears. Biting my lip. Willing them not to boil right over and spill down my cheeks.

From the moment my feet touched the floor this morning the rivers have been rolling down. Unstoppable. These big, heavy drops of my failure. My inability to do it on my own.

In my fog I'm answering questions. Admitting my need. And a small blue number is clutched in my hand.

I wait. And wait.

And when it feels like the air is being sucked from my lungs I stand and force my legs to carry me to the car.

Just to breathe for a moment...

I'm sitting staring at the windshield. Tears spilling down. Sliding down my skin, falling onto my jeans.

And the rain starts. Small, gentle drops. They slip down the glass. A mirror of my face in this moment.

I glance in the rear-view mirror and notice the three car-seats behind me. Snuggled together in a row. They sit empty now. But in my mind I see the faces that fill them.

And all at once this moment is no longer about need, or weakness.

It is about strength and love.

About circumstances I can't control. And having the courage to handle the ones I can.

About cutting back everything I can, and still needing help to fill little bellies.

This moment is about knowing whats right and good. And that even if it requires asking for help, accepting help, it doesn't diminish me.

I am here. Standing alone. Walking the most difficult path because it is the right one.

You never know the value of words spoken through the phone until your standing with tears streaming down unable to pull open the door. Words that reach right through the air and pour strength into your heart. 

I walk through the door.

I'm sitting there, explaining the seizures, the lack, the need. I'm weak and in tears.

And I've never been stronger.

Because when we bare our weakness, our need, whatever it is, wherever we are. We are raw. We are vulnerable. And there is no greater strength.

So I'll fight to hold my head high. And if the tears fall, they fall. They only whisper the purity of my heart.

I'm here because I am strong. Because I am fighting for me, fighting for my boys.

And today that means asking for help.

Sometimes you can't do it alone. Sometimes the circumstances are bigger than your abilities.

If we focus on our hearts. On the path right in front of us. There isn't anywhere we can't go. Clinging to His Hand, no building we can't walk in to.

There is no moment of weakness that isn't wrapped in His strength.

"My help and glory are in God ~ granite-strength and safe-harbor God ~ So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be."  Psalm 62:6-8

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Does God Call You Out?

Could you tell when you read the last post that my daughter was initiating divorce? She doesn't believe in divorce, is a product of divorce herself, wasn't going to ever get divorced, but here she is. Now she believes that she was physically dying in a marriage that didn't honor either one of them.

Should she have stayed for the kids? Some people think so. She believes they are already exhibiting less stress.

Having just spent two weeks there, I see they are doing well. I pray for their protection. So far the only thing that has changed is much less stress at home, and the three little boys go to Daddy's house on the weekends. They love it and count the days til they go again. They started out seeing Daddy every two days or so, now it is three to five.

I applaud her for scrimping to keep things the same for them. Sometimes she wonders if she can do it financially, and is tempted to worry. I tell her if God is leading her, He will provide. And He has.

I've been through divorce. I know how painful it is. I know the fall-out from it. Children pay the price.

I also know there is life after divorce. It certainly isn't the end of the world. Some of my best education came from it. It is generally hard on children, but if handled well they can grow from it also.

The point of her blog, and one I have learned through my own experience, is that you can't make other people's choices for them. Neither are you responsible for other people's choices. You are only responsible to deal with truth well--honor their choices and make yours the best you can--being true to yourself and how you believe God is leading you.

She believes God called her out of that marriage to become who she truly was meant to be.

I wanted her to stay and become who she truly is; she tried for several months and came to believe she couldn't. Our biggest role now is to support and not to judge.