Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Guest Post: Facing Yourself Part 1 Asking for Help

there is no moment of weakness that isn't wrapped in His strength 


I'm standing in a line. Seemingly unending faces stretched out ahead of me.

Clinging to folders that contain my life. My details.

The ground seems to tremble beneath my feet as though, in my weakness, it may swallow me up.

I'm fighting the tears. Biting my lip. Willing them not to boil right over and spill down my cheeks.

From the moment my feet touched the floor this morning the rivers have been rolling down. Unstoppable. These big, heavy drops of my failure. My inability to do it on my own.

In my fog I'm answering questions. Admitting my need. And a small blue number is clutched in my hand.

I wait. And wait.

And when it feels like the air is being sucked from my lungs I stand and force my legs to carry me to the car.

Just to breathe for a moment...

I'm sitting staring at the windshield. Tears spilling down. Sliding down my skin, falling onto my jeans.

And the rain starts. Small, gentle drops. They slip down the glass. A mirror of my face in this moment.

I glance in the rear-view mirror and notice the three car-seats behind me. Snuggled together in a row. They sit empty now. But in my mind I see the faces that fill them.

And all at once this moment is no longer about need, or weakness.

It is about strength and love.

About circumstances I can't control. And having the courage to handle the ones I can.

About cutting back everything I can, and still needing help to fill little bellies.

This moment is about knowing whats right and good. And that even if it requires asking for help, accepting help, it doesn't diminish me.

I am here. Standing alone. Walking the most difficult path because it is the right one.

You never know the value of words spoken through the phone until your standing with tears streaming down unable to pull open the door. Words that reach right through the air and pour strength into your heart. 

I walk through the door.

I'm sitting there, explaining the seizures, the lack, the need. I'm weak and in tears.

And I've never been stronger.

Because when we bare our weakness, our need, whatever it is, wherever we are. We are raw. We are vulnerable. And there is no greater strength.

So I'll fight to hold my head high. And if the tears fall, they fall. They only whisper the purity of my heart.

I'm here because I am strong. Because I am fighting for me, fighting for my boys.

And today that means asking for help.

Sometimes you can't do it alone. Sometimes the circumstances are bigger than your abilities.

If we focus on our hearts. On the path right in front of us. There isn't anywhere we can't go. Clinging to His Hand, no building we can't walk in to.

There is no moment of weakness that isn't wrapped in His strength.

"My help and glory are in God ~ granite-strength and safe-harbor God ~ So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be."  Psalm 62:6-8