I am weary.
All this living. This giving. Pouring out. Has left me weary.
There are lines of darkness curved gently across my face.
The evidence of little bodies grown, made, written across my belly. I am a canvas of motherhood.
A portrait with colors faded. The strokes of beauty cracked and dry.
There is quiet here. Not only this night, but most. The silence that flows from a heart bloodied. A heart gasping for air.
And I cannot help him to breathe...
The fire burns hot, white. Seeping into everything he does. Oozing his pain. Spilling all over me, all over the littles.
And I feel like I'm fighting a fire that only Grace can put out. Soothing little hearts where embers singe and sting.
All the while fighting to remember who I am. All this letting go of me. All this doing. Striving. And I had forgotten to nurture my own strength. Forgotten who I am.
Lost the fight in me. The strength of my heart. The strength of my body. Let it go.
And I want it back. I want to feel my strength. Be healthy.
I want to be.
The pain in me is boiling churning. A torturous ache.
I have awakened to this reality. It was me. I thought I was worth nothing more. My very own heart that whispered, "you are unlovable, you don't deserve more."
The little-girl wounds covering my whole life with their blood.
Suffocating me. Extinguishing my smile.
My smile. The one I had even forgotten I had.
I've worked and anguished. Controlled and strived. Sacrificed and loved. Poured out the last drops.
All the while letting go. Slipping under. Disappearing.
And I can never hold him responsible for that.
For it is where we place our heart that nurtures it.
And it is a constant battle. One we must never forget to fight.
The battle for our own hearts.
For if we do not fight the battle for our own hearts, we have nothing to offer. We cannot pour out what we do not Fill.
There are those who will not understand. Who will judge from a place of fear. Who will offer advice not for your Heart, but for their comfort. They will use words of "faith" born of fear. They will pour out support when it serves them. And leave you in silence when the darkness comes, and the world you are crawling through is too uncomfortable to bear it with you.
Yet, it is not to them we must cling, but to the One that has walked our excruciating journey for us. The one who lived His life on the edge. Who poured out Compassion for those whose lives were deep in suffering.
His life filled with reaching out to touch those rotting under the weight of their wounds. Heart poured out in the Hope that those who heard his words would find their Hearts. Not in rules and rituals, but in Love.
In Extravagant, Wild, Radical Love.
That is where I place my heart. On the edge of His cliff. Where the free-fall is safe. The agony softened by Joy.
Where my brokenness is made Whole.
Freely surrendered into Sovereign Hands.
Only in Him are we whole.
The pounding of waves over my heart. The thundering weight rushing over my soul.
Gasping to breathe. Just to breathe.
The unraveling of being seen. Exposed. Heart bare.
The fight welling up in the deep. Never to let it be less. To guard this heart with my life. My life.
A lifetime spent searching. Grasping at invisible dreams. Dreams born of fear, desperation. Wounds.
Broken, slipping through open fingers. Falling down.
Shattered glass beneath my feet.
Flames burning white hot. Unquenchable.
Hands open. Willing.
The battle seeming endless. And worth every agony. Crawling through the trenches. Waiting.
Every fragment of time filled with prayer. Pleading.
Heart bound in Grace. Whole.
Every careless judgement poured out by those speaking blindly.
This heart. My heart.
"With your very own hands you formed me;
now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you.
When they see me waiting, expecting your Word,
those who fear you will take heart and be glad.
I can see now, God, that your decisions are right;
your testing has taught me what's true and right.
Oh, love me-and right now!- hold me tight!
just the way you promised.
Now comfort me so I can live, really live;
your revelation is the tune I dance to...
Let me live whole and holy, soul and body,
so I can always walk with head held high."
Posted By Loxlia to lovelycrumbs at 5/25/2012 09:18:00 PM
Posted By Loxlia to lovelycrumbs at 6/02/2012 11:09:00 AM