Sunday, August 21, 2011

Grieving -- A deeper opportunity to live.

   No, I didn't get the fan page created, and I guess it's a good thing because less than a week later my mother went into the hospital and two weeks after that she died. Thank God, I went back. It was a healing and bonding experience. And now, of course, my head is in a totally different place.  And that is OK too, because in another two weeks we leave for Portugal. We are going with a group who is building a health education facility.
   Right now I am just trying to re-establish equilibrium.  Surprising to me has been the fatigue.  How much it takes out of you to lose such a close connection.  It wasn't untimely, she turned 92 hours before she died.  And it wasn't unexpected, she had had a heart attack two and a half years earlier, and even though she recovered quickly and was very well, you live with the expectation that at any time you could get a call.  And so it came, Mom had a temperature of 102 and was admitted to the hospital. 
   Then the head starts, should I wait and go back for the funeral? She won't know I'm there anyway... The temptation not to deal with anything--this was expected, she was ready, good for her. Let's focus on celebrating for her.  But after some time with God and getting in touch with some stored guilt, my head cleared and I decided to go--hoping I would get there in time.
   I sat by her bed with my sisters for five days. I saw her smile, and her appreciation of a backrub I gave her.  On the fifth day--her birthday--the day begin with a beautiful sunrise and my tears, which continued off and on through the rest of the day.  At one point I was alone with her and sobbing again, and the realization that I had always known I was not a good daughter came floating up.
   No wonder all those "not-good-enough" lies that had gotten healed, hadn't brought total relief!  The biggest, oldest one was still in there.  What a relief to get that one healed. God was giving me a birthday present on her birthday!  It made the funeral easy.  The only thing that really surprised me was the fatigue.
   When your time comes to grieve, as it comes to all on this planet, don't take the "easier" way.  Go and deal--give yourself to the grief for moments or days, let the sobs come.  A lot of growth and release comes through grieving. You will be glad you did, later.