Doing Hard Things

   I'm on a learning curve again: our fear of pain is partly because we were made for bliss. No wonder I want a happy, serene life, doing pretty much what I want to do.  However, I'm seeing that we were also made to take a risk, lean into a challenge, do the hard thing, fight for what we believe in.
   We've been watching old movies on Netflix, and loving it.  One of these got to me on this topic of risking -- "Only the Strong."  Have you seen it?  I love teachers-in-inner-city-type plots anyway, and capahuetta (SP?) is a form of Martial Arts I had never heard of--it's beautiful to watch.  My son-in-law introduced me to the movie. It was one of his favorites as a kid.
   Though basically I am a fraidy-cat, I love watching people who do hard things and make a difference. People who won't back down. A morning later when I was talking to God,  He reminded me of that movie and showed me that doing the hard thing is what makes life exciting -- knowing of course that He will see us through -- that we can count on Him to do that if we are making a statement about the goodness of His character, or standing up to evil as a boundary.  I got it.  It was lifting, inspiring, exciting.  Why live in fear of sticking your neck out? Trying and failing? So I'm going to send that email and invite you to read my blogs! (I admit it; I also got some fear healed.)

Grieving -- A deeper opportunity to live.

   No, I didn't get the fan page created, and I guess it's a good thing because less than a week later my mother went into the hospital and two weeks after that she died. Thank God, I went back. It was a healing and bonding experience. And now, of course, my head is in a totally different place.  And that is OK too, because in another two weeks we leave for Portugal. We are going with a group who is building a health education facility.
   Right now I am just trying to re-establish equilibrium.  Surprising to me has been the fatigue.  How much it takes out of you to lose such a close connection.  It wasn't untimely, she turned 92 hours before she died.  And it wasn't unexpected, she had had a heart attack two and a half years earlier, and even though she recovered quickly and was very well, you live with the expectation that at any time you could get a call.  And so it came, Mom had a temperature of 102 and was admitted to the hospital. 
   Then the head starts, should I wait and go back for the funeral? She won't know I'm there anyway... The temptation not to deal with anything--this was expected, she was ready, good for her. Let's focus on celebrating for her.  But after some time with God and getting in touch with some stored guilt, my head cleared and I decided to go--hoping I would get there in time.
   I sat by her bed with my sisters for five days. I saw her smile, and her appreciation of a backrub I gave her.  On the fifth day--her birthday--the day begin with a beautiful sunrise and my tears, which continued off and on through the rest of the day.  At one point I was alone with her and sobbing again, and the realization that I had always known I was not a good daughter came floating up.
   No wonder all those "not-good-enough" lies that had gotten healed, hadn't brought total relief!  The biggest, oldest one was still in there.  What a relief to get that one healed. God was giving me a birthday present on her birthday!  It made the funeral easy.  The only thing that really surprised me was the fatigue.
   When your time comes to grieve, as it comes to all on this planet, don't take the "easier" way.  Go and deal--give yourself to the grief for moments or days, let the sobs come.  A lot of growth and release comes through grieving. You will be glad you did, later.

Blowing your own horn

   Today I am going to create a fan club.
   Even writing that feels weird. Wonder how I'll feel when I write fan club in the subject line of the emails I'm going to send out.
   I wasn't raised to blow my own horn, even though I truly felt like it at times. When you are one of six kids, and one of the middle two, you can feel lost easily.  Especially when the system you were raised in was geared for survival and not nurture.  They didn't know any better, that is the kind of system they grew up in as well.
   Is this something that only affects people over 40?  Did parents after my generation do a better job?  I wonder if my grandkids will have trouble promoting something they have done? I wonder if my kids would? How many generations does it take?
   It is amazing to me that after all the lies (false beliefs) I've had healed, after all the work I've done on myself, after feeling so much better and free-er, I still have a hard time asking people to endorse me or my work.  Like it is something wrong--something nice girls don't do--something you shouldn't do.
   I probably wouldn't have thought of it except a former client sent me an email saying "Put me in your fan club or on your list or whatever it is you have." Wow! I was so surprised and so pleased. Someone actually thinks I have something to say! 
   How can a person think like that after you've spent three years working on a book that you think is so important?  And you are publishing three others... Does anyone relate?  Do I really think everyone has to love my work or I'll be crushed?  So I can't ask anyone because what if they don't like it?  Seriously?  I'd better get some more lies healed.

Letting the Child Out

  On my beach trip with my sisters last month (after the wedding) my oldest sister remarked, "You have a lot of child in you. Do you often let it out?"
  I took it as a high compliment. I've always thought she was better at playing than I. Dubbed as I was, "the serious one."
  "I'm trying to let it out more." I responded, "It doesn't happen as much as I'd like."
  "It's so good to see," she noted, making my day.
  I thought of that on the 4th of July. My husband and I spent it together-- just the two of us. We have finally gotten back to enjoying being just us. That night after watching The King's Speech we decided to drive up the mountain about a half mile from our house and watch the fireworks, even though we'd seen Hollywood Bowl fireworks two nights before.
  Alas, the hills were just-so arranged that we couldn't see anything but the aura of fireworks in two opposite directions.  So we very slowly drove down the mountain watching for just the instant one display would become visible. When they did, bushes on the side obscured our view. So I jumped out of the car, sure that if we stood on the side we could see over the bushes. It turned out that I had to stand on one of the fence posts to see. So there we were, me perched on the fence post, my husband just below me on the curb.
  Soon a car came by, headlights spotlighting us as it came around the corner. I admit I felt just a tinge silly, but I loved the outrageousness of a 61 yr-old woman watching fireworks standing on top of a fencepost. The car stopped and three kids (aged approximately 12-15) bounced out, ran over and climbed up on three fence posts beside us, followed by their dad (who stayed on the ground with my husband). And there we all stood watching the fireworks across town.  I just had to comment, "This is one 4th of July you'll remember -- when you watched fireworks standing on fence posts."
 Childlike spontaneity made a memory.
  It feels freeing, even today, to think about it. Childlike qualities get shamed out of us over the years, and unfortunately things like honesty, openness, spontaneity, and believing we are loved often wash out along with grabbing, demanding, whining, and self-centeredness.
  How do we keep the childlikeness and rid ourselves of childishness? First thing is to face it in ourselves.
Sounds easy, but looking at yourself honestly, is the hardest thing you will ever do.
  Why? Because we are afraid of not being lovable. So we are always defending and hiding.  If you accept and believe you are loved (by God if you have no person) it makes your faults--your truth easier to see.
  You won't get rid of relationship-blocking faults without accepting and admitting that you have them to someone loving. (Someone torturing an admission out of you won't work--that only breaks you.)  And since you are already broken (we all are), love puts you back together again, but not blindly.  Love that pretends you are wonderful isn't worth much--we call it infatuation, flattery, manipulation, or chemistry. People can love you and tell others about your faults, but you won't grow from that either.  (Although you might get fired.)  Better to have the real thing: accepting you are loved with your faults, facing your brokenness and growing up.


 

A Real Vacation

  Ever noticed how you usually need to rest up from a vacation?  I can't wait to share what a great effect I've had from this last vacation.  And it even included my daughter's wedding. It isn't that there were no reasons or occasions for stress, but rather that we handled them differently.  And it continued through all of the two weeks!  Amazing!  I had been concerned because the one getting married is good at drama so I had been talking to God a lot about it.
  My other daughter was supposed to be Matron of Honor but six months earlier had a baby, three months later got really sick, and had told her sister that she didn't think she could do it with her energy level, a new baby, and a dress she couldn't fit into.  The bride said not to worry, wait and see when it's closer.  But she did ask another friend to fill the matron of honor spot.  I told the bride I was proud of her for the way she handled it.  A week before the wedding, sister-of-the-bride said she couldn't get into her dress, she had looked everywhere for another one, and she thought she really shouldn't be in it.  The bride was really cool about it, and her sister and I were pleased.
  My three sisters were coming so I was hoping they wouldn't get triangled into drama.  One of them was delayed in Chicago so her plane was three hours late. But that call was a relief, because my husband and I had flown into another airport the night before, and the rental car places were closed.  When we went for our rental car, enroute to picking her up an hour away, there was a huge line that didn't seem to be moving at all (some problem with enough cars) so we were late. 
  My other two sisters were driving and got caught in a North Carolina thunderstorm about two hours away, and had to stop, so they missed the rehearsal dinner.  But it all worked out, and by now the four of us are used to a bit of kafuffle when we get together.
  So far so good, my daughter had booked a nice, but old motel for all of us (got a rate to help us save money) and the rooms were musty, with one having bad mildew, but no biggy, I had my trusty essential oil travel diffuser along so sat it up in our room, and then my daughters room, and rigged up a makeshift one out of a coffee filter for my sisters' room. And after the wedding we all moved to Old Town into a wonderful quaint old hotel that had been kept up better.
  The day before the wedding I went with my daughter to get pedicures, and the place was packed.  (She had never needed an appointment before.)  She handled that well, we went to another place, but on the way she made a comment about her sister backing out at the last minute.  I just reminded her that she had told her sister three months earlier to wait till just before the wedding to decide.  She accepted it, and we arrived at the next nail place with a 30 minute wait.  She said, "Let's go get frozen yogurt next door while we're waiting." By this time it was hot--a great idea. 
  The morning of the wedding she wanted me to go with her to get her hair done, so I did, and on the way she said she was so sad  that her brother wasn't there.  I said, "I know, but don't let it ruin your day, focus on what you do have, and who is coming."  She didn't react then or even later, when she was running behind schedule wanting to do everything herself.  I, quietly between her and I, said, "You're running out of time. You're going to need to let people help you."  She answered, "You are starting to stress me out, Mom, and I'm not stressed now; I'm just enjoying this." So I said OK and walked away, but later I noticed that she was allowing three other people to help.  And she was ready on time, and the wedding started on time.
  After the reception, we went to the Old Town hotel where she had reserved two adjoining rooms -- so her dad and I could stay with their kids.  Someone was in our room, and they had disregarded the "Do not disturb" sign and vacuumed up $40 worth of rose petals she had strewn all over their room as a surprise for her husband.  Then she almost had a melt-down, but she held it together, crying a bit, while the hotel got it straightened out, and thirty minutes later we were in two other, bigger rooms.  And because of that they ended up comping our room for two nights!  And they gave the rest of the wedding party a great rate to move there.  That hotel had a quaint, charming courtyard where all of us hung out for the next two days when we weren't sight-seeing. A couple of friends stayed on with family and it was a great group and a bonding, fun time.
  As people left one by one, and two by two, the harmony of the weekend stayed and held those of us who stayed on, through missing a plane, a parking ticket, a huge difference of opinion on going to the beach, and camping.  This was one of the best vacations ever, with the least adjustment back home.  Thanks, Cris and everyone else who made it special.  Thank you, Father, for giving us the ability to be flexible and enjoy.

How exciting! My book goes to Australia!

    I am really excited about this one -- maybe even more than the free download of Covert Ops and the audio of The Worst Evil--Losing Yourself! I'm teaming up with Kim and Steve in Australia. I wrote the blog on narcissism (January 25) after I found them. And they have invited me to write a blog for them and put my ebook on their website! Imagine, my book on the other side of the world -- and everywhere in between? How exciting! A huge thanks to you Kim and Steve.
   I am so impressed with you. I always believed that there had to be a way to help personality disorders such as Narcissism, Borderline, etc. And I believed that I had helped some of them--when I could get them to stay in therapy. The trouble is that mostly they don't come, because the problem is never theirs! They are masters at blaming others.
   But what I "knew" about Narcissists is that they don't get better. The wounding was too early and too deep. Life and people are unsafe, and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is all about protection. And you usually don't find this out until you are either committed to one, or married, or he/she has convinced you that you are the crazy one.
  Well, I found out after I was married to one. But I had already had a few years of seeing clients as a marriage and family therapy intern. After ten very tough years, he had a stroke which completely changed our relationship, and even after he began to heal, he made better choices, and today we have a really good marriage. But I had always just said we had Divine intervention. (Not implying in the least that God gave him the stroke, but that He allowed him to eat tons of bacon on our vacation which led to it.)
   Meanwhile, I had learned enough about NPD that I was sure that, if the partner was healthy enough and emotionally stable enough, over time you could make a difference. I also believed (unconventionally) that clients with personality disorders should be told in therapy about their disorder. I have found that it gives them hope, a reason for their struggle, and sometimes helps them stay in therapy.
  Then I stumbled onto Kim and Steve's website with the audacious domain name narcissismcured.com -- "Narcissism cured?" I was amazed but skeptical, and after reading all the material on their website, I got excited! Someone believed like I did! I started sharing it with everyone. (I have a lot of clients who deal with narcissism in either a spouse, a parent, a boyfriend, or in-law.) Finally there was someone who was bold enough to go against conventional wisdom for a needed answer of hope. I am so impressed with both their vulnerability and their courage. I still want to hear Steve's story of how he came to the realization and acceptance of narcissism. Or have you written it, and I haven't read it yet?
   Unfortunately, I didn't talk much about narcissism in my book that just came out. I do talk about  Borderline personality disorder, but wasn't ready to blow my husband's cover, so evidently just avoided it. (I actually don't know if he yet accepts the label as belonging to him, though he heard it often enough.) And the client who did accept it and probably would have been ok with me putting his story in, came after the book was written. Nevertheless, the book is all about the things that keep you from becoming your true self. In this time of disasters everywhere, people are losing everything, but the very worst thing you can lose is yourself.
   I'm not talking about death. That isn't scary to me, but losing your awareness, your choices, your freedom, that is scary--very. And it can happen so easily, so mindlessly, through programming, through habits, through addictions to name a few. Unless we question what we think, what we believe, and why we act the way we do, we could easily just float along on evil's rubber raft of mindlessness.
   So buy my book here and learn to avoid the potholes of losing you, or learn how to recover your true self. Oh, the name of it is The Worst Evil--Losing Yourself.

  

Guess what! We are offering a free mp3 download for anyone who would like one. My friend helped me make an audio of Covert Ops, and it is just in time for Memorial Day! Just go to arlacaraboolad.com and get yours. Spread the word.