Guest Post --from lovely crumbs

  when your Path becomes so narrow you have to let go

My heart is ragged. The weight of walking through a sea of fear suffocating.

Struggle. So deep in some moments, I wonder if I might simply explode. Become a mist, blown away by the winds of change.

Mind so fragmented I fight to pin it down. To hold on to the Clarity as the moments whirl.

This fight for worth. For my heart. It has Led me straight over the edge, falling far past safety. My comfort.

And yet I am Real. It is in that moment that I begin to live. The moment when your Journey throws you right off a cliff.

It is in the desperate free-fall that you learn to Cling. To nothing but Him.

When your Path becomes so narrow you have to let go.

When He asks you to let go.

And to those looking on, none of it makes sense. The choices seem contrary to the "right" way.

But then that's Faith. The walking out into the darkness.

Knowing whatever He asks, wherever He leads, He walks with you. Carries you.

For this picture I am painting. This life. It is only His.

Only He can create a True story.

A life filled with Adventure. Passion. Love.

Only He can fill.

And that is all I want my dear little hearts to learn.

There is freedom in Surrender. Joy in the suffering. Fullness in the letting go. The emptying makes you Whole.

This life is simply for seeking His heart. There is no greater purpose. No greater privilege.

In a 1000 years nothing else will matter.

There is only Him.

And living the life that takes you there, deep into His heart, is Radical. Wild. Dangerous.

And Everything.

It's not safe and neatly packaged. You will be judged. They will not understand. Some from fear, others because their own longing is so stifled they simply cannot bear it.

There is no room for holding back. Only Surrender.

Only Trust.

Only the choice to live in the footprints of the One who gave all.

To walk with hands open and head held high. Allowing the flowing in and the flowing out of the tide of Blessing. Accepting the cup offered, whether the taste is bitter or sweet.

Holding nothing back.

Letting go.

Giving all.

Walking in Hope. Not of ease or comfort, but only of Goodness.

For He is Good.

Always.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

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Posted By Loxlia to lovelycrumbs at 7/13/2012 09:21:00 PM

Taking off the Mask--Becoming A True Self

Often the pain of becoming is like fire. As when a "sleeping" hand or foot begins to wake up. The blood supply has been cut off, and the rush that is life-giving hurts.

So it is when you begin to look at yourself and really face your situation. Face it and take responsibility for it. A mentor of mine used to say, "There is no pain like the pain of seeing yourself."

I have found that to be true, as has my daughter (whose posts appear every other month).

But this is good pain. The kind you get when you realize that you can change what you can take responsibility for. It's as if a light goes on, or a window opens and you can breathe.

If you keep telling yourself that "they" did this to you (and often times they did) you will be stuck in blame and anger at best, and self-pity at worst. Why is that "worst"? Because there is no power, no motion in self-pity.

If "they" are responsible, they have all the power. Which is probably why forgiveness releases the offender.

This is why self-discovery, while very painful, is wonderful. It takes you to a place of healing and power.

So even if you are married to a Narcissist, ask yourself, "How did I contribute? How did I end up in this situation? What caused me to wear such blinders, to miss the red flags of total self-preoccupation?"

This is not about blame. NPD's can be very charming. And they are experts--hiding since childhood, twisting things so as not to be incriminated, so they don't have to look at themselves, don't have to take responsibility. They were thoroughly scared out of trusting. (Although a new breed of Narcissist, lazy-through-overparenting, is coming up.)

If you take responsibility, it ensures you are not one of them.

And if you were abused, and truly were victimized, learn to take up your power. Realize that it wasn't your fault, abuse is about the abuser. Heal your tendency to see yourself as a victim and helpless. Everyone has choices, even tiny ones to start with, and choices are infused with divine power. Our freedom demands choices.

God won't let anyone take away your power of choice. You can only give it away or fail to use it. You can even use it against God--we are that free.

Wholeness -- the Pain of Becoming Visible

Guest Post -- Whole

I am weary.

Raw.

Forgotten.

All this living. This giving. Pouring out. Has left me weary.

There are lines of darkness curved gently across my face.

The evidence of little bodies grown, made, written across my belly. I am a canvas of motherhood.

A portrait with colors faded. The strokes of beauty cracked and dry.

There is quiet here. Not only this night, but most. The silence that flows from a heart bloodied. A heart gasping for air.

And I cannot help him to breathe...

The fire burns hot, white. Seeping into everything he does. Oozing his pain. Spilling all over me, all over the littles.

And I feel like I'm fighting a fire that only Grace can put out. Soothing little hearts where embers singe and sting.

All the while fighting to remember who I am. All this letting go of me. All this doing. Striving. And I had forgotten to nurture my own strength. Forgotten who I am.

Lost the fight in me. The strength of my heart. The strength of my body. Let it go.


And I want it back. I want to feel my strength. Be healthy.


Whole.

I want to be.

Me.

The pain in me is boiling churning. A torturous ache.

I have awakened to this reality. It was me. I thought I was worth nothing more. My very own heart that whispered, "you are unlovable, you don't deserve more."

The little-girl wounds covering my whole life with their blood.

Suffocating me. Extinguishing my smile.

My smile. The one I had even forgotten I had.

I've worked and anguished. Controlled and strived. Sacrificed and loved. Poured out the last drops.

All the while letting go. Slipping under. Disappearing.

And I can never hold him responsible for that.

For it is where we place our heart that nurtures it.

And it is a constant battle. One we must never forget to fight.


The battle for our own hearts.


For if we do not fight the battle for our own hearts, we have nothing to offer. We cannot pour out what we do not Fill.

There are those who will not understand. Who will judge from a place of fear. Who will offer advice not for your Heart, but for their comfort. They will use words of "faith" born of fear. They will pour out support when it serves them. And leave you in silence when the darkness comes, and the world you are crawling through is too uncomfortable to bear it with you.

Yet, it is not to them we must cling, but to the One that has walked our excruciating journey for us. The one who lived His life on the edge. Who poured out Compassion for those whose lives were deep in suffering.

His life filled with reaching out to touch those rotting under the weight of their wounds. Heart poured out in the Hope that those who heard his words would find their Hearts. Not in rules and rituals, but in Love.

In Extravagant, Wild, Radical Love.

That is where I place my heart. On the edge of His cliff. Where the free-fall is safe. The agony softened by Joy. 

Where my brokenness is made Whole.

Freely surrendered into Sovereign Hands.

Only in Him are we whole. 


Holy.

Fire flickering through glass. It lights me, warm. Alive.

The pounding of waves over my heart. The thundering weight rushing over my soul.

Gasping to breathe. Just to breathe.

The unraveling of being seen. Exposed. Heart bare.

And Fearless...

The fight welling up in the deep. Never to let it be less. To guard this heart with my life. My life.

Found.

A lifetime spent searching. Grasping at invisible dreams. Dreams born of fear, desperation. Wounds.
Broken, slipping through open fingers. Falling down.

Shattered glass beneath my feet.

Flames burning white hot. Unquenchable.

Hands open. Willing.

The battle seeming endless. And worth every agony. Crawling through the trenches. Waiting.

Every fragment of time filled with prayer. Pleading.

Heart bound in Grace. Whole.

Seen.

Worth every tear. Every unbearable, crushing failure.

Every careless judgement poured out by those speaking blindly.

This heart. My heart.

Whole.


"With your very own hands you formed me;
 now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you.


When they see me waiting, expecting your Word,
 those who fear you will take heart and be glad.


I can see now, God, that your decisions are right; 
 your testing has taught me what's true and right.


Oh, love me-and right now!- hold me tight!
 just the way you promised.


Now comfort me so I can live, really live;
 your revelation is the tune I dance to...


Let me live whole and holy, soul and body, 
 so I can always walk with head held high."


Psalm 119:73-80





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Posted By Loxlia to lovelycrumbs at 5/25/2012 09:18:00 PM

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Posted By Loxlia to lovelycrumbs at 6/02/2012 11:09:00 AM

Invisible -- One Way to Lose You

How does someone become invisible?

In family therapy we often see that the middle child is invisible. They often feel unseen, not valued.
Interesting that my daughter, who was the only child of my first marriage, became the middle child of my second marriage. Could that have caused this feeling in her?

Yes, but there was more.

When she was in her twenties, she described the feeling of leaving her father behind at age two, when she and I moved to California. It was her second birthday, (some birthday present!) She can remember being on the plane, aching inside and feeling completely powerless to do anything about it.

Most of her early years she remembers feeling that she had to be perfect because my life was in such chaos. (Her dad had an affair when she was six months old which continued off and on for four years.)

And I thought I did a good job of shielding her from it! I always talked to her, told her it wasn't her fault, told her Daddy loved her, and tried not to cry in front of her. (Her Dad and I didn't fight.)

Words don't mean much to a child before the age of seven.

Her father rejoined us in California four months later, but then left again a year-and-a-half after that. She was four, and formed the belief that she wasn't valuable. She wasn't worth fighting for. (I wouldn't know that for another 20 years.)

Even though I tried my best to reassure her that I would always be here for her, it wasn't enough.

These are the beliefs that can cripple you for life unless you find them. She didn't know they were there. But after some therapy and feeling invisible in her marriage a few years, plus having trauma happen to her youngest, the feelings surfaced.

The crisis was fortunate for her, but not for her marriage, it wasn't real enough.

I had learned about getting these kinds of beliefs healed a decade ago. Realizing them and deciding to own them and do something about them, have made major shifts in her life, good ones for her. But sad to say, it will be years before we know how the lives of three little boys will be affected.

Is it true that if she is better, they will be? I hope so. I need to watch Brene Brown again.

I believe I got better from my divorce--but did she? Those beliefs--lies--that stuck in her, coloring everything, affected her long before she found them.

And so with all of us... God, help us find them! Make us uncomfortable and brave enough to face them! And then give us truth for the asking.

That is all it takes to heal them!

And I do believe that God will bring good out of everything if we are cooperating with Him.

Guest Post -- Becoming You/Coming Out of Depression

Refining

The dark of night is creeping across the sky and I feel the disappearing.

The anguish of the unseen. Heart wrenching and cracked. Writhing to be free of the desire for love. Free of desire.

I cannot stand carrying the weight of it. The crushing force of longing. The gravity of need.

Heart spilling out. Wounds bared open. The pieces of me thrown about the room. Muscle aching from the violence of lamenting. The agony of a soul crying out in complaint. A Trusting heart weeping with the blood of dreams slipped through fingers.

And I am found. In the anguish, the obliterating explosion, suddenly my face is again there in the mirror. In the eyes looking back, I see it, the spark of me. The Life.

There is cost to the striving. The slow disappearance that makes your own features unrecognizable. The becoming invisible. It is cost. Immeasurable.

And when you notice. When suddenly in passing the mirror there is not vacancy but eyes familiar. When you look long and there is a trace of smoke - the smoldering ember of the self you buried deep. Then what?

When the wounds stop oozing and dry out. When the last strands have frayed. What then?

What guiding compass is there? What choice held out before you?

Him. Only Him.


Only. Trust. Only. Clinging.

To choose the very heart beating in my chest. That is the hardest part. The constant battle.

The words that repeat over and over... "you are valuable", as if in some persuasive debate.

Words I've never believed. Words that slip over me like a silk sheet falling to the floor. Slipping from fingers to weak to grasp.

But He breaks in, crashing. A tornado inside my heart. Cleansing the darkness in me.

The strong command of a Loving Father. "You must know your Worth."

And that, that moment is where the crawling begins. The scraping across the gravel, picking debris from my wounds.


The Refining.

"I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering." Isaiah 48:10 NLT

Embrace Codependency--Put it to Work

In a flash of insight I saw the irony of this thing we are all trying to heal. We all have it to a greater or lesser degree, this need to belong, to be loved.

We run around looking for someone to love us, "Are you my missing piece?" (Silverstein) "Will you love me?" " Can I merge into you?"

Even those of us who pretend not to be, the Narcissists--a growing contingent--are desperate for love.
Duh! We were made that way!

By a God who is so crazy about us, we might label it codependency. Except, He isn't dependent on us loving Him.

Oh yes, He wants it, even longs for us, but does He need us as we need? No. Definitely not.
Part of this comes from our brokenness. It has heightened that original beautiful bond created in us--the ability to love and be loved.

It is now a desperate NEED.

It makes us needy, and we hate it when we recognize that it drives so much of our crazy actions--things we would never do if we saw our worth clearly and felt how much we are valued and loved. Things like putting up with abuse. Letting others think for us, make our decisions for us, trap us into servitude for love, money, or fear.

And fear, oh there's a great motivator! All the ways we twist ourselves into knots of existence or NOT existence because we are afraid. And most of the time don't even know that it's fear driving us.
So PUT IT TO WORK.

Since we were created for relationship, and especially for relationship with God--embrace it! Love it. Use it. Accept it.

You need love. You really do, but don't settle for some imitation. Some human version of trying to be good enough for someone.

Get rid of all the partials, the half-measures that trip you up and leave you hurting. Get it straight from the Source--that huge bubbling fountain of Love that never runs out, never is dry, never too tired, never unavailable, always wants you, always has open-arms, always welcoming, always available.

Codependency is our ticket to paradise.

I just said to someone, as I often do, "God is the only one who it's safe to be codependent with because He won't allow it. He insists we become us."

God,"...that all-powerful love that can make itself loved" (Charles de Foucald), only needs your desire; no, less than that, your permission.


That is because He likes us. Really. Sometimes that is more important than being loved--it was for me. But He loves us too. More than we need. More than we can imagine. Enough to make us into our true selves.

A Perfect Expression of How it Feels to Lose You-- Guest post by Loxlia Robb Broken

The ache burning in the darkness. The fire of my soul searing its way to the surface.

All this heaviness. This pain.

I'd like to pour it out. Open my hands and let it fall with boiling blame.

But I know it belongs here in my own hands.

This pain. Deep agonizing pain that comes from years of carrying this whole life. Years of holding it all together.

Years of driving myself into the ground pleading their happiness. With my own hands, my own prayers, fashioning a family, the family that I had dreamed of.

And when I suddenly realize I cannot, will not, create a life by myself. Then all of that pain is almost insignificant in comparison to the pain of knowing I have let my worth slip through the cracks. The light of me buried so deep there is only a flicker left.

I have poured out all I have. Held onto emptiness. And let it be enough.

And there is the scalding pain. I settled for the least.

Not in a person, but in the offering. The presence. The effort.

As though I was worth nothing more...

When my soul whispered, "this is not enough", I quieted it with work, with doing.

If I could just do enough. Make it easy enough. Then there would be joy.

The wrenching pain twists through my heart. The agony of neglect. Of not being seen.

The offering of all only to be left in silence. And letting it be enough.


This is the brokenness. The neglect of my own heart. The slow disappearing...


These shattered pieces, that as I struggle to pick them up dig their jagged edges into my hands reminding me of the choice to stifle my own heart.


To allow our own wounds, that is the greatest sorrow...

What unimaginable sacrifice then the offering of His body to be broken, crushed simply for the sake of Love. Giving His life with no offering in return...




"But He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed."  Isaiah 53:5







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Guest post by Dennis Prager

A friend sent me this today... I was going to blog, but I can't do better than this. If we had more principals who could say this and do this, more adults who could and would, we wouldn't have to worry about kids losing themselves. We wouldn't have to worry about self-esteem.

A Speech Every American High School Principal Should Give. By Dennis Prager. To the students and faculty of our high school: I am your new principal, and honored to be so. There is no greater calling than to teach young people. I would like to apprise you of some important changes coming to our school. I am making these changes because I am convinced that most of the ideas that have dominated public education in America have worked against you, against your teachers and against our country. First, this school will no longer honor race or ethnicity. I could not care less if your racial makeup is black, brown, red, yellow or white. I could not care less if your origins are African, Latin American, Asian or European, or if your ancestors arrived here on the Mayflower or on slave ships. The only identity I care about, the only one this school will recognize, is your individual identity -- your character, your scholarship, your humanity. And the only national identity this school will care about is American. This is an American public school, and American public schools were created to make better Americans. If you wish to affirm an ethnic, racial or religious identity through school, you will have to go elsewhere. We will end all ethnicity, race and non-American nationality-based celebrations. They undermine the motto of America , one of its three central values -- e pluribus Unum, "from many, one." And this school will be guided by America 's values. This includes all after-school clubs. I will not authorize clubs that divide students based on any identities. This includes race, language, religion, sexual orientation or whatever else may become in vogue in a society divided by political correctness. Your clubs will be based on interests and passions, not blood, ethnic, racial or other physically defined ties. Those clubs just cultivate narcissism -- an unhealthy preoccupation with the self -- while the purpose of education is to get you to think beyond yourself. So we will have clubs that transport you to the wonders and glories of art, music, astronomy, languages you do not already speak, carpentry and more. If the only extracurricular activities you can imagine being interested in are those based on ethnic, racial or sexual identity, that means that little outside of yourself really interests you. Second, I am uninterested in whether English is your native language. My only interest in terms of language is that you leave this school speaking and writing English as fluently as possible. The English language has united America 's citizens for over 200 years, and it will unite us at this school. It is one of the indispensable reasons this country of immigrants has always come to be one country. And if you leave this school without excellent English language skills, I would be remiss in my duty to ensure that you will be prepared to successfully compete in the American job market. We will learn other languages here -- it is deplorable that most Americans only speak English --but if you want classes taught in your native language rather than in English, this is not your school. Third, because I regard learning as a sacred endeavor, everything in this school will reflect learning's elevated status. This means, among other things, that you and your teachers will dress accordingly. Many people in our society dress more formally for Hollywood events than for church or school. These people have their priorities backward. Therefore, there will be a formal dress code at this school. Fourth, no obscene language will be tolerated anywhere on this school's property -- whether in class, in the hallways or at athletic events. If you can't speak without using the f-word, you can't speak. By obscene language I mean the words banned by the Federal Communications Commission, plus epithets such as "Nigger," even when used by one black student to address another black, or "bitch," even when addressed by a girl to a girlfriend. It is my intent that by the time you leave this school, you will be among the few your age to instinctively distinguish between the elevated and the degraded, the holy and the obscene. Fifth, we will end all self-esteem programs. In this school, self-esteem will be attained in only one way -- the way people attained it until decided otherwise a generation ago -- by earning it. One immediate consequence is that there will be one valedictorian, not eight. Sixth, and last, I am reorienting the school toward academics and away from politics and propaganda. No more time will be devoted to scaring you about smoking and caffeine, or terrifying you about sexual harassment or global warming. No more semesters will be devoted to condom wearing and teaching you to regard sexual relations as only or primarily a health issue... There will be no more attempts to convince you that you are a victim because you are not white, or not male, or not heterosexual or not Christian. We will have failed if any one of you graduates this school and does not consider him or herself inordinately fortunate -- to be alive and to be an American. Now, please stand and join me in the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag of our country. As many of you do not know the words, your teachers will hand them out to you.

 

 

 It is two months tomorrow since I had that blasted red velvet muffin and just the last two weeks I have felt like myself again! Mind you, I can still feel the sciatica on occasion!
 I went back to Doc Duben the second time, and this time my top two cervical vertebrae were out. The third visit they were in, after another emotional healing. Wow! What an amazing thing NET (Neuro Emotional Technique) is! You can find old long-standing emotions stuck in your body for years, causing physical blocks or transmuting into pain.
 I learned about it two years ago, and included it as a resource for stress relief in WE-LY, but I am so impressed with it again. The doc's understanding of physiology that is based on the acupuncture meridians, and how they are affected by emotions, and how emotions affect them, is just incredible. He explained how the valve between the large and small intestine is connected to a muscle, which is connected to the sciatic nerve. When the valve gets knocked out by an allergy or huge emotional upset, it tightens the muscle, which pulls the sciatic nerve and causes pain.
 We really are an integrated whole that can't be separated. What affects the mind, affects the body and spirit. What affects the body, affects the mind and spirit. When the spirit is energized the whole being is uplifted. If it suffers all the parts suffer. Take care of you, all of you.

The Most Important Valentine You'll Get

  I usually only blog here once a month, but today I am launching a new blog on the greatest Lover who ever lived at http://www.howtohavearelationshipwithGod.com so I wanted to tell you. I'm hoping we will get the bugs worked out today, and the RSS button will work so you can sign up to get it delivered to your inbox. That is the name of the blog, God in-a-Box--your Inbox.
  Strange name I know--we are usually trying to get God out of the box in people's minds. So that's why it seemed like a good hook. Someone would actually try to put God in a box and admit it?
  I'm really excited and a little overwhelmed--a huge undertaking. I'm committed to deliver the life of Jesus in 150 word segments five days a week for one year. That will take you through his whole life.The site is a two-week trial with Traffic Geyser to get the word out about it.
  This is the third day of posts but you can go back to the introduction and start. If you sign up it is supposed to start at the intro. Of course we've had technical difficulties. And not a little discouragement!
  It isn't that I think I am such an authority on Jesus. I'm condensing a book I loved on his life, one that made me fall in love with him and see God in a whole new light. You may have heard of it, it is supposed to be the number one book on Jesus in the Library of Congress, The Desire of Ages. But it is 287 pages and archaic language.
  So here goes...blessings on your reading.

It's Not JUST Exercise, Steve Pavlina!

I'm sure Steve would agree, but yesterday I read a great post of his on the importance of exercise for staying healthy physically, mentally, and socially. I agree, and if you want to read his whole post, it's very good, http://stevepavlina.com. However, I had an experience this weekend that is worthy of sharing, and shows that some other things are just as important as exercise.

Those of you who know me will be shocked, I am certain, but this will serve to reassure you that I am human and given to lapses on occasion. For those who don't know me, I rarely feel bad, even at 62 (on Sunday!) and usually have lots of energy and motivation. But I can seem rigid about food, exercise, rest, etc. Life is good. But yesterday...not so much.

It started on Sunday. My husband and I were driving back from Las Vegas, and life was good. We had just spent 22 hours with one set of grand kids because it was Paige's birthday. We had decided to drive over on a whim Saturday morning, seeing that we had no commitments for the weekend (a rarity).

Mind you, we hadn't fully recovered from two weeks back East with five other grandchildren--we had only been home four days. Nevertheless, we felt up to the challenge of a quick overnight trip.

I had just signed up with Danielle Zanzarov for a fruit and vegie challenge (eating more than five a day) and did great the first day. (I had eight on Saturday) so Sunday, even though I had only had one vegetable, and some lime water, I was still feeling good--the mind was clear, the body comfortable, motivation great. In fact, I kept telling my husband I would drive. (He likes to drive--I think it's a macho thing--but he had driven all the way the day before!)

Finally, an hour from home, it's dark, and he decides to let me drive. We stop at a gas station, we're both slightly hungry but nothing that couldn't wait, but we see Red-Velvet muffins. And we decided to try them. (My daughter gasped when I told her.)

I didn't know what they were. I was hoping maybe very rich raspberry? They looked homemade and beautiful. I didn't know they were rich chocolate with a bottle or two of red food coloring. (A true heresy in the health-food world.)

I confess I wasn't too worried when I realized what it was; you see, I learned a trick working in a drug rehab for 15 years. Activated charcoal, and I took it as soon as I got home, but I didn't take enough.

By mid-morning the next day, my attitude was in the toilet. I had no motivation, couldn't focus, didn't want to do anything I'd planned, was worried about lunch with my best friend, and I hadn't seen her for three weeks! I lamented my attitude to God and He said, "Just be a good listener." It was fine. What was wrong with me? By mid-afternoon my low-back on the left side was beginning to hurt. Strange. By that evening it was stiff.

I put on lemon oil and Thieves oil and went to bed. (They usually fix anything.) After horrible dreams, which seemed to last all night, I awoke very stiff. I had to do part of my exercise routine to even be able to sit and meditate. I ended up sitting on my exercise ball for the rest of my time with God. I downed lots of water (alkalized with Vanilla Creme Stevia--love it), took four garlic capsules and six Kyogreen, and before I exercised that morning (painful but productive), took my Ningxia Red. Loaded up on nutrients!

My morning clients canceled, and thank God the wind had stopped, so I went outside and did some light gardening in the sun for 30 minutes. By that time I felt almost normal again, and was able to sit down and write! By tomorrow, hopefully, I'll be back to normal.

So, Steve, while exercise is very important, so is what you put in your mouth--I can't exactly call it food, but the stuff that some call food--skip that, and go for the real stuff that grows. I heard someone call all this pretend food "brightly packaged toxins." That is exactly what I experienced. Real food has a positive effect on the mind/body/spirit! And that is all you are--help yourself feel good.